Undecided

Another day at work today and I had a conversation with a colleague of mine. Turns out she's leaving next year just when my probation ends. That was shocking to some extent but what was more appalling I guess, was the fact that she's the 3rd one that I've found out who's leaving. She told me about how office politics were very scary and that someone who may seem nice on the outside, may not be so in real life. It then dawned on me that what she said was true, as much as I would like to believe that everyone is kind from birth and that no one wants to be mean. It also got me to thinking about what I want and need in this stage of my life. I'm about to turn 21 in about 5 months or so and one of my life's dreams is to go travelling to explore the world and get a degree while I'm at it if possible. But I can't do that without money.

Ultimately, it all still boils down to money, doesn't it? As much as we all want to say that we are not slaves for money, who in this world isn't? Except for those born with a silver spoon, the rest of the worldly population is still struggling to make ends meet, to meet the increase in quality of life. That would mean that I would have to work to achieve this dream of  mine.

This job may not be my dream job and I do like it and find it interesting, but I don't feel passionate about it. In addition, that sense of belonging is still not there, as much as the benefits are good and all. I keep telling myself that this is just a temporary phase, that I'll soon not feel this way, but it's been more than a month, approaching the 2nd month milestone. And that feeling is still there. What if I'm just cheating myself? And that this isn't the right path for me? I don't know what the future holds but I want to feel happy and carefree in whatever I do. Right now all I feel every single day is lethargy and restlessness, even though it is interesting and I'm constantly learning new stuff every day.

I don't want to come across as someone who gives up easily though. Also, what would I do if I were to really resign after probation? There is no study intake coming up and I would have to look for another job which may not pay me as much as right now.

I really need a deep talk with someone experienced to enlighten me and to help me out of this slump.  :/ and I'm hating how every time I push these thoughts to the very back of my mind but they always manage to creep back and torment me.