Passion

For those of you who don't know her, she's TaeYeon from Girls' Generation and is also the leader of the group. She has become my inspiration lately, especially after watching The TaeTiSeo recently as well. Something I really love about her is her love and passion for singing. Watch the above video to understand what I'm talking about.

When TY sings, there's a glow that radiates from within and a smile that naturally spreads across her lips. Something that cannot be faked out because of her genuine love and passion for her job as a performer and a member of GG. Be it solo ballads or group numbers with GG or TTS, whenever she belts out those high notes, goosebumps come out and not in a bad way too. She also has that slight smirk after she finishes those "out-of-this-world" notes that shows that she's proud of what she's capable of.

I love to watch people like that sing and I can never get tired of it. There are so many people whom I can name who sing like that too, such as Idina Menzel, Sara Bareilles, Tiffany and Jessica from GG as well (I still consider Jessica as part of GG no matter what happens). I don't mean that they are the best singers in the world, because there may be hidden singers or just people I don't know who can maybe sing better than them, but I'm just saying that to me, they are some of the best performers in the world, who actually love their job as much as their lives.

This leads me to talk about what I want for myself. For those of you who have been following my past few posts, you would know that I'm newly employed. I won't say where, but it's a hospital. It's been a month into my probation and I can say that I've started to blend in and adapt a little I guess, from the whole screwed up body clock from pre-employment till now as well as the new work environment. I'm still trying to get used to the occasional information overload from my different co-workers but I feel like I can slowly blend in and start talking to them already so that's a start right?

Anyway, my supervisor at work has been asking me this question a lot lately, "Do you think you can do this?" or for those who can understand chinese, "你觉得你可以吗?" This statement has been constantly at the back of my mind, bugging me throughout the day when I'm working or when I'm resting. 

Ideally, I would want a job that I enjoy not only because of the company, but also because I genuinely love and am passionate about. I want a job that I can't wait to get to in the morning and dread leaving at the end of the day. Something that I'm good at, but can still learn so much more in; something that I'm able to exude confidence in doing (Just like all of my very experienced colleagues are doing now); something I will complain about but still carry out willingly and from within. Lastly, I want a job that is able to help/ impact others and a job that doesn't seem like work. It sounds so difficult to fulfill and I'm actually quite envious of the people I've mentioned above because they've found their love and calling in life which allows them to earn some money along the way as well. I mean, who wouldn't love to get paid for doing something that you like?

Now that a month has passed, I started thinking about whether this is what I want to do for the next few years. Talking to my colleague on the way home that day, she mentioned that it'll be her 10th year of service in a few months. Here I am, just finishing probation when that happens and will be transferred to another department since my training has ended. Being forced to adapt to a whole new environment once again. Having unsettling dreams that accompany all these thoughts don't seem to help as well.

I don't know whether I'm just stressed out or what. I don't feel the physical stress of my job but I guess there may be mental stress that's getting to me without me actually knowing, and they're taking a toll on me via my dreams. I've never been one to be that affected by dreams since I used to believe that dreams are the opposite of reality. But what if the dreams feel so real, making me wake up in cold sweat or feeling a chill run down my spine. I think I'm starting to get a little depressed somehow LOL. I want to be alone most of the time even though I crave company of my friends and loved ones.

All these contradictions are driving me slightly crazy and the fact that my back and knees are giving me more problems than ever now, make fear start to consume me, when all I want is passion and love to consume me.

A close friend told me that everything will work out on its own in the end, and right now, I'm trying my bestest to believe that. [Thanks for the advice btw. You should know this if you're reading. ;)]

Why I hate uncertainty

“What’s worse than wanting something you can’t have? It’s not knowing what you want. Wishing on all the stars in the sky for the answers to your questions, for something to believe in; someone to hold. Having absolutely no control over yourself, being caught up in a place you wish you were miles away from. Being stuck somewhere between the past and the future, nowhere near where you should be - in the present. Stuck in yesterdays and tomorrows, so far from home, far from everything you know and love. The uncertainty could just about tear you to bits.”

Daily Tumblr Love Quotes (via thelovewhisperer)

The Education System of Today

“you had such a thirst for knowledge; and now school has ruined that.”

Learning

Didn't have time to update the past week, besides little photos here and there that expressed what I thought/felt at that time. It's been a whirlwind of a past week with me getting gastroenteritis and sort of finally getting the hang of things at work. It's been overwhelming with fatigue overcoming me in the mornings and tears welling up every now and then due to the information overload. But the colleagues have been more than helpful and friendly, which makes things easier in a way, at the very least emotionally.

Of course, just as I was getting comfortable with the workload, a new task of learning NCS and EP was dropped upon me and I had to forgo my final part of training with EEG already. Not that I was really good at it yet but 3 months to learn everything from scratch is a really daunting task right now, with the 3rd week already underway. So who was I to complain?

I've been trying to take down my barriers as well and start conversations with my colleagues, even though it may be over the most ridiculous topics. I know I'm not the most extroverted person, which makes this as outgoing as I can get for now, but I'm at least trying and that counts for something right? :)

On top of that, today I faced the most challenging patient I've had so far, albeit not alone, but the feeling of stress when he started acting up was something I was not expecting. I'm not allowed to disclose any information so I can't go into much detail but let's just put it this way, it required more than the expected amount of people to restrain and sedate him.

I realised during the period that he was with us that I've been taking a lot of things for granted. With him being so resistant towards the staff, we required the mum to help talk to and control him and I saw how strong this mum was, above and amongst everything else. Putting myself in her shoes, I would have broken down and cried, seeing my own flesh and blood being tied down and sedated over something that cannot be controlled. Tears had been creeping up on me during that period this afternoon but I suppressed them down. Had I been her, I probably would have been really frustrated throughout the entire test period but the amount of endurance and patience she showed me really amazed me, along with the patient's family of course.

I guess they would have been used to such episodes in their lives but having to deal with this on a daily basis takes a lot of effort and perseverance which I greatly admire. I would like to think I felt a slight sense of accomplishment, as I helped out to carry out the test, something opposite of what I felt just early this morning. I had quite negative thoughts after speaking to a colleague with regards to a future in this occupation. For those of you who have read my previous word posts, would know that I'm still quite uncertain about the path ahead, not knowing if this is what I really want. But after the episode, I want to remember that accomplished feeling and hopefully that would help empower me, knowing I have the ability to help patients, even though they aren't my original target audience when I first started planning out my career a few years back.

P.S. Gonna update again probably next week since there is an operation early tomorrow morning and my eyes can't stay open right now as well. *sleepyhead here*

Milestone

Milestone in my 20 year old life 😁✌️ #milestone #7500 #3/4to10k credit background to @jadexxgd 

Awaiting Serendipity

Consent

I've been consenting too much recently till I happened to get this a few days back. Such an apt reminder to myself.

Starting Afresh

"Not every day is good but there is something good in every day." -Winnie the Pooh

First week of my new life has just gone by. I'm still not used to this kind of scheduled lifestyle, but I guess I will eventually, as all my friends say. I saw this quote while watching SNSD's SooYoung's drama (Spring Days of My Life) yesterday and thought it kinda related to my life this week so why not pen down some thoughts about it. BTW, I'm not too sure about the source but she said so in the drama so let's just go with the flow for now. :)

Having a more introverted personality (my close friends think otherwise though), I find it difficult to blend in with new surroundings. New environments always manage to instill some sort of fear in me. I'm one who is easily afraid of the unknown, I'm not the adventurous type when it comes to such things. I mean, who likes the unknown? There are adventurous people, there are people who like to discover things, but to me, those don't mean that you're not fearful of what they don't know, just that they choose to overcome that fear, and have found a way to do so quickly, unlike me for now.

Anyways, I totally realised how much I've slacked off for the past 5 months after graduating from poly, as shown by my unruly body clock and how slow I am at taking in new information now. I used to be able to pick up new skills and such very quickly, but now, I'm still not used to the terminology used and all. Maybe just cause I'm not placed in the real world, dealing with real patients and everything, so the stress gets to me a little (or maybe a lot). I feel like there is a need for me to know everything faster within the 3 month period given, which is not a very long time. But none of this has much correlation with what I've been taught back in BMS, which brings me to think about what this decision of taking on this job will bring for me.

I've honestly thought about it and I can't really see myself doing this job in the long run, say 5 years down the road? I want to continue studying, that's for sure. But then again, what would I study? I have interest in Psychology, but this job, in any case that I do well and the higher ups decide to sponsor my degree education for some reason, I would have to do a related degree which is not exactly what I want right now. This dilemma has been sort of bugging me for a while, especially after having a little welcome chat with the head of my department a couple of days back. He mentioned something along the lines of "This contract we have with you is both ways, should you pass the probation but feel like this is not something you would like to pursue, then you can leave as well."

I don't really know what I want now, and as you can tell from above, I really really really detest uncertainty. I want to be able to do a job that I can feel a passion for and maybe I don't feel it yet, since only a week has passed anyway, but I really want to do something that I love. If this is the path for me, whoever dictated my life story above, I hope that somewhere along my path soon, I would start to fall in love with my job. I would on my part put in much more effort to understand and learn as much from this as possible as well, so please help me, whoever you are.

On a side note, the colleagues have been really nice and friendly (with some exceptions but then again, I learnt not to judge a book by its cover, so they are generally a welcoming bunch) :D who I'm greatly grateful for.They can tell I'm stressed out but they help me along as and when so to me right now, they are my saviours and life buoys as I'm thrown out to this new ocean of a job, like a never ending abyss with so much to learn and take in. The patients have also taught me a lot, and I realised I do like interacting with them, which is a good thing right? Hahahahaha :D

All I want right now is to be able to get used to all the new stuff and yes, despite all the negativity from the above paragraphs, I'm still excited for what is to come, and as I've always said, I will learn to embrace and overcome all obstacles in my way, so 화이팅!