Updates

Haven't had a chance to pen down recent happenings and it's all piling up within me.

First off, Happy birthday to the best friend who has finally reached the milestone of 21! Be safe back in Scotland and I'll be praying for you to have everything smooth sailing over there :D

Next, this has been taking up probably 90% of the 10% of brain that is utilised daily. Realised that I've been really indecisive when it comes to making choices in the past few years. I tend to like weighing the pros and cons first, in order to make an informed decision but I end up overthinking just about everything.

Recently this keeps popping up in my mind: What is more important in life? Being happy and carefree in whatever I do? Or being constantly under stress but able to learn a unique skill? Granted that the latter is a service that I provide that helps to protect the patients.

I want to continue studying in a couple of years, that I can be sure of. But my supervisor gives me a feeling that she resents the fact that she has to train someone for so long and have that person leave after a meagre 2 years. I've just undergone my review session last Wednesday and been told to have my probation be extended till the end of March. Somehow, I feel a little bit of disappointment with myself, even though I expected it.

I honestly don't know how to reply her every single time she asks me whether I would like to continue on with this job with her in the operating theatres or not. Inside, I don't feel confident that I'm the one for the job, with all the different stressing components from the different sources. Part of me just wants to take the easy way out and just request for a transfer of department and join the people who have taken so much time and effort to train me for the past 3 months, plus the fact that they are short-handed as of now. But another part of me doesn't want to be viewed as someone who gives up so easily. Colleagues at my training site are so friendly and encouraging as well, giving me advice not only in my job, but also in my life.

The inner conflict in me is building up and I really want my life to come to a constant right now, not filled with all these uncertainties. The sup has kinda in a way used the fact of my knee and back condition to state that I may not be able to physically take on this job. I don't really know if that is her putting in a nice way that she doesn't want me for the job or she's genuinely concerned for me because she seems to me like the practical kind. Transferring a department is also fairly simple, according to my colleague and I admit that more of me is leaning towards that side, but whether or not the department welcomes me is another thing. Should I just be thick-skinned and join then stick it out till the end if unwanted? Won't that be going back to square one of being unhappy at work?

I honestly don't know what to do right now, and would totally appreciate it if someone were to dictate my life at this point. I'd gladly just follow blindly rather than make my own decisions and find that I have no one to blame but myself if anything goes wrong? That's the responsible thing to do, right?

The internal dilemma is breaking me down mentally and I have no idea how to stop this. Help...